I’ve been pondering about the push-and-pull of what it means to be a creative. Especially being someone from a third world country. Or maybe it touches everyone in general. Here’s my journey so far…
I have been invited by God to live a life of creativity. But there’s always been something holding me back from that as a calling.
The fear starts in Nepal, according to my memory. I lived in Kathmandu – a place that looks ramshackle-y in many corners, it was about as poor as my home city Manila – but it had so much creativity within it. I remember – O Lord, the 7AM walks with Tita EDs; it was just quiet and I would bring my tiny little pink camera borrowed from Mom (Tita Wendy gave me my own black one which I covered with a baby sock when I wasn’t using it). I would take pictures of dogs on garden walls, murals, children going to school, teenage boys making marigold wreaths…
I used to talk about art with Sunita didi, someone whose job wasn’t strictly art, but she made a lot of art on the side. She told me that in Nepali society, a creative career is frowned upon because there’s no money in it (I think it’s the same in the Philippines). We talked while entering the gate up to Barista Lavazza, the cafe which was our near-everyday haunt (it doesn’t exist now) – and while we discussed this, I felt a sadness coming from both of us that artists have to strive and are misunderstood and discouraged by society.
Yet I found a community in ArtLab and the Yellow House’s Art Market. ArtLab was a collective of Nepali artists – you could see their beautiful murals all over Kathmandu, and they had their own shop (I think it was in Sanepa?) One Saturday at the Art Market, I had my own stall which I fought for. I was 15 at the time – the organizers didn’t accept me initially because I was only a hobby artist, but ArtLab gave me space on one of their tables to sell greeting cards with my artwork.
That’s where I met Swarnima (her name means “golden heart”), a Nepali student who was around my age and studying art – she had blue eyeliner that day (for some reason I remember that), and we talked about art and became fast friends – we did calligraphy together. I didn’t have a lot of friends my age then, but it was fun to be with her in my last year in Nepal, and her pursuit of a creative life inspired me so much, recalling what Sunita di said about how that kind of life is discouraged.
When I started out at film school last year (after a gap year in which I sought God on what master’s I should take), two sets of titas & titos at separate instances heard that I was pursuing filmmaking – and they had that look, like… One told my dad na, “O, mahal yan ah…” (Oh, that’s an expensive career.) And another was when we were at our dinner table, the tita said, “That’s a good dream 🙁” with the undertone that it’s just a dream and practically unattainable.
I also cried after I finished a documentary on Christopher Nolan. Our Basics of Directing prof had assigned that 4-hour documentary series instead of us having a real class (which pissed us off later on lol). Anyways, before that, I didn’t know much about Nolan apart from a few films I’d seen by him (Interstellar, Batman Begins, Oppenheimer).
Our prof prefaced the homework by saying “he started from nothing.” We studied how he used only $6,000 from his savings to make his first feature film. He has advocated for the use of celluloid film for all his movies despite most filmmakers embracing digital filmmaking.
He also premiered his 2020 film, Tenet, in the cinema, during the pandemic – even if that meant losing so much money because many people were in lockdown and couldn’t watch it in theaters. So the turnout was the worst of his career so far. Yet I felt that it was still a victory for him, because he stood up for his belief that his movie should be premiered in a theatre instead of a streaming platform.
Seeing how he staked his box office earnings on his artistic beliefs made me ask myself, “What am I willing to lose in order to fulfill God’s desire for me in filmmaking?” Or, if He doesn’t actually want me to be in that field, then: what am I willing to lose to work for Him in the creative world? (I was still unsure at the time if filmmaking was where He wanted me to be, since my major, Creative Management, is broader than just film.)
But I was still afraid because of those discouragements I had previously encountered and been carrying in my heart. After my Nolan realization made me cry, this is what God replied…
“If it weren’t for sin, you would be free to create instead of worrying about your survival; earning, fulfilling your barest needs. And yet, cheer up – you have it in your heart, the warmth of the mission to lead others to My life without sin, a life of freedom. You want to make movies because you want to tell people about the life, the life more abundantly that You’ve found in me. For that is the main thing. Not to convert a number of souls to put on a spreadsheet, but to be a herald of good news about victory after a war, to be like the Samaritan woman who excitedly told her neighbours about the Messiah who knew her.
“And I know you. I care about your love for art even when those closest to you, even the one who taught and inspired you to be creative has discouraged you not to pursue your dream. I care about your dream to be an artist. Remember, always remember that it was Bezalel who I first filled My Spirit, the Spirit of God with. It wasn’t some religious leader or economic giant. It was an artist, my dear. So put your chin up and wipe your tears and accept this calling I have for you.
“I am changing your mind about how this path looks like – don’t look too far into the future but look at the steps in front of you and don’t forget to take a break and step out into that space in front of the cliff that is wreathed by pine trees, and raise your hands and arms in front of the mountains.
I made that for you to enjoy. !
I made that because I love you!
I have loved you with an everlasting love. Over the mountains and the sea, my river runs with love for you. Come open up your heart and let the Healer set you free.”
…It wasn’t easy to fully accept this, this love letter from God. Yes, I was comforted that day. But I had other doubts – does He really want me to be a director? (That was the role I desired.) What if it’s something else? I don’t want to be stuck in some PR job for years. I want to create.
Well, I’m gonna pivot and leave those doubts and do a Samuel-the-prophet-style act of remembrance, instead. Here’s how God has shown His hand in my artistic journey so far.
Getting into film school was a miracle, because I bombed my interview. The main interviewer looked as if she was going to fail me on the spot. But God still gave me favor and let me get in. Yes, I scored the lowest on the interview – (“I got in by the skin of my teeth,” I thought), but I still got in. He even gave the blessing of the university giving me a full scholarship. Wow. Man, who would’ve thunk that a girl from Quezon City would be admitted into the Krzysztof Kieślowski Film School in Poland?
I’m entering into my second year next week. I’ve gotten good grades so far. And for the past 2-3 weeks I’ve been in an in-person independent filmmaking workshop with an Emmy-awarded actor and indie director, Michael Goorjian, along with 20 other students. Getting into this workshop was also a miracle.
I was hesitant to apply at first because it kinda overlapped with my master’s schedule (most classes are online, but I was told I’d have a class in Poland this October – turns out it’ll be in January) and my vacation lol.
And I was reluctant to fill in a required field in the application: we had to share a 500-word story that could be made into a film. My idea was about a student with synesthesia who deals with grief – it’s something personal to me, and the application required that I had to contextualize it to an Armenian setting. It had a Filipino-American protagonist who I initially didn’t want to change the cultural identity of.
But what changed my mind about applying was that, since my master’s is mostly online and I haven’t been able to clock in with practical filmmaking experience since the winter semester of 2024, I was like, what the heck, I’ll do it, I’ll give the application my best shot. And, about my story – in the end, I changed the protagonist into a Lebanese-Armenian (I just made his best friend Filipino lol), and I found a way to tweak the emotional center of the story (and it actually made me cry bahaha.)
Still, I wasn’t sure if I’d be accepted since I’m not Armenian, and I thought this workshop is probably directed to Armenians (cuz the prof is an Armenian diasporan and it’s hosted by the American University of Armenia + its MediaLab).
Then, I was invited for a shortlist interview, more than a month later after I filled the application. I didn’t do too well in the interview by my standards lol; I didn’t prepare as much as I wanted to, and I was super nervous.
On the same day the application results for the workshop were supposed to come out, I encountered a great disappointment while applying for a Polish visa and it didn’t work out. I thought, “The workshop results are coming out today… that’s gonna make me happy.”
And in my sadness and disconsolation at being a third world person having difficulty applying for the Polish visa, I kept watching my phone for my Gmail notifications to see if I’d gotten in. There was a slew of writing/magazine/airline newsletters or subscription emails that kept coming up – red herrings throughout the morning and afternoon. I kept being disappointed.
While washing the dishes, I was praying and I realized that I was looking forward to that possibility of being accepted in the Goorjian workshop as my source of comfort. Yes, I had already poured my heart out to God and cried about my disappointment, and I was asking Him for help, accepting that this visa problem was just a building block amidst the larger tapestry he’s creating out of my life; learning that I am acting by faith, step by step, even if there’s huge frustration. But I just kept looking at that phone. “What if I get in? What if I get in?” And I decided, “God, that should not be my source of comfort. It should be You. I surrender my expectations and my desire to be in that workshop as a burnt offering to You, before Your altar.”
I gave it up and I went to a prayer meeting. I wanted to avoid people because they would ask me about my visa – I just felt so down and sad. But the worship songs were divinely chosen because I was able to lay down myself before God even more – all my tiredness, my feelings of defeat. I felt comforted even if I still felt down in the dumps.
It was past 6pm when I got home, past the 5pm time I assumed the MediaLab office would send out acceptance letters. We were having dinner in our neighbor’s house and I was going to get my phone at home. I heard it vibrate for the nth time, and I was like, “Ugh, that’s not it. Anyway, I gave it up already earlier.”
When I checked the notification, it was a “Congratulations!” I got in!
I went up to my neighbors consoled. It was a miracle that I praised God for with them.
On the first day of the workshop class, we were told that if one of us were to drop out, we have a loooong waiting list of people to replace us. Later, I learned that I and my 20 other classmates were chosen out of 80 applicants. So 60 others didn’t make the cut. I am the only foreigner in the group.
And when we introduced ourselves and we had to pitch a 1-minute story idea, I used the synesthesia plot: Goorjian was smiling the whole time. He even asked some questions about it after my pitch. He also remembered it from my application, which is a good thing ’cause it means it was memorable and unique enough haha. (The way how I wrote that story from earlier this year was a miracle in itself – but that’s a story for another day.) I guess I didn’t have to hesitate sending in that idea after all.
Now I’m hyped up to write about what we’ve done in the workshop itself, but that’s for another post. I’ll just put a few other photos of the workshop here. (Also, the first movie homework Goorjian assigned was a Kieślowski film – the guy my film school is named after. How poetic.)
Well, looking back at all this, I just feel… favored. I feel favored by God. He’s handpicked me out of a thousand – a million billion others to carry out his plans. I’m one of the people in His family of creatives that He’s using to restore the Earth and to build His beautiful, glorious kingdom.
He’s a creative God. And even as I’m attending the workshop, I feel I am exactly where I’m meant to be – I am doing what He made me to do.
God, You’re unpeeling all these fears from me. You’re telling me to jump in the water and play in the sunshine of this inheritance You’ve given me. It is a wonderful inheritance. It is the seen and the unseen. Teach me how to love You more, and to always keep sight of You, to feel Your presence with me as I create.
This is not supposed to point to me. This is supposed to point to You. You are the Master Storyteller. You love and revel in words – in images…. that is how you communicated to the prophets of old. You use moving pictures to help us remember.
Your words are life. With You are the words of life. Where else can I go?